The Caregiver Cottage

Attention Baby Boomers

Baby Boomers

You’re not baby’s anymore, you’re becoming elders who will also be living longer than any generation before you. So, not only were you the largest population group at birth, but you’re also going to be the largest population group as elders. Making you;

Elder Boomers

And, as you enter the “Elder Class”, many of you will be caring for your even more elderly parents, who are now the fastest growing elder population. Making you;

Caregiving Boomers

As these aging groups “Boom”, there will be less resources and alternative living arrangements available to meet the needs. Thus, the “Family Caregiving Boom” will affect many families who are not prepared or who do not know how to navigate the caregiving path. You will be saying;

Show Me The Path

At the caregiver Cottage, we can navigate the caregiving journey with you and help you choose the best path for you and your family. You can contact;

The Caregiver Cottage LLC

Caregiver Coaches
Cindy Streekstra RN and Carol McGowan RN
616-643-8017
coach@guidingfamilycaregiving.com

Caregiving - Changing Traditions as Parents Age

Can it really be Memorial Day week-end? Seems much too early!! In Michigan, Memorial Day is the beginning of our vacation season. Families gather together for picnics, cottages are opened and we celebrate family traditions. However, as we face aging parents, some traditions will be changing. This is happening in my family. We have a family cabin in a national forest on a small, quiet lake. It is a place of rest and relaxation where our family has gathered for 45 years. Our tradition has been to open the cabin on Memorial Day week-end. My brother and sister and parents and our children rake leaves, wash windows and share many stories and laughter. We all treasure this time together.

This year our tradition is changing. My elderly parents at age 90 and 85 are no longer able to navigate the hilly and uneven terrain. My husband and I now have our own cottage and my sister has moved to a home on water. My brother and his family will be going alone to open the cabin. Our family has spent several hours talking about these changes. We grieve that this tradition has come to a close. We grieve the loss of physical strength that my parents are experiencing. We want to hang on to this tradition, but know we can't.

Are you facing any changes in your family as your parents age? Are you having to do things differently? Are your family traditions taking new paths? Are you wanting to keep things the same because the way you have done things is meaningful to you?

I invite you to
- Step back, away from the emotion of these changes. View the situation as objectively as you can. Recognize in your head, why things need to be different.

- Allow yourself to feel the emotions of the loss and change. Let yourself grieve what was.

- Talk with individual members of your family and as a group about these changes. Talk about the memories and the good times and the difficult times. Acknowledge that things will be changing.

- Begin to let go of what was. Letting go makes room for the new.

- Begin making new traditions. Create meaningful times together in a new way. You will come to treasure these also.

My husband and I are moving into our cottage this week-end. I will miss going to the family cabin. I will create new traditions where our cottage can become a family gathering place. I can visualize my mom and dad sitting on the deck looking over the water. I can hear our family talk and laugh as we share new stories and make new memories.

Blessings to all of you and your families on this Memorial Day week-end.

Cindy Streekstra
The Caregiver Cottage

Holiday Gatherings Provide An Opportunity to "See" How Our Elderly Loved Ones Are "Really" Doing

As we gather with friends and family during this Holiday Season, we share memories and catch up on what’s been happening in everyone’s lives. During this time we may also be noticing some changes in our aging loved ones. At first we see our loved ones as we always have, denying any limitations, conditions or needs. We want our loved ones to stay as they are.  We often see them as timeless. 

Adult children are emotionally not ready or wanting to see the changes in their elderly parents and begin to question;

• What might this mean for me and my family? 
• What kind of time and resources is this going to take?
• How can I handle more, I already have more than I can handle.

 

Many families face a sense of denial as loved ones age. Admitting that loved ones conditions are changing brings up the vulnerability of our loved ones. This inevitably begins the emotional work of projecting the death of our loved ones.

However, a holiday gathering provides us the opportunity to “see” our parents and aging loved ones as they really are today, and sharing our observations with them, our siblings, other family members and friends.

The following is a list of observations and actions for your use during your holiday gatherings;

1.      Begin “seeing” your loved ones as they really are. Step back and be objective about what you are seeing.  Observe the following for changes:

·        Personal hygiene and grooming

·        Personality changes

·        Condition of residence and yard

·        Cleanliness of the inside of the residence

·        Daily routines

·        Ability to handle finances

·        Activity level and initiation of hobbies, interests

·        Ability to walk and/or move about safely

·        Eating, cooking, food in the refrigerator – type, amount and freshness

2.      Then listen carefully to what is being said and what is not being said.

·        Spouses can easily cover up the limitations of their partners. These limitations are often not evident until something happens to the spouse with the most abilities.

·        Many aging loved ones won’t admit they are having problems or difficulties.  This can be reflective of the depression era values and core beliefs that “we don’t tell” and “we can do it ourselves”. They don’t want to bother their family members and be a burden on others

3.      Share your observations. Different family members may observe different changes.  Depending on what role each family member plays with the aging loved ones, different limitations, changing conditions and care needs may be seen.   

4.      Initiate discussions with your aging loved ones and other family members about these changes and care needs.  If these changes put your loved ones at risk, immediate action needs to be taken to resolve an unsafe situation.

Questions

To help you identify where your family is in this process, we invite you to write down your responses to these questions.

1.  What, if any, mental, physical and emotional changes have you observed in

     your aging loved ones?

2.  Have these changes been discussed among the family members?

3.  Have these changes been acknowledged by the aging loved ones?

Taking Action

To help you take action, we invite you to write down the steps of your action plan.

1.       List any changes you have seen

2.      If you have not discussed these changes with your siblings, set a time and date to discuss your observations.

3.      If you have not acknowledged these changes with your aging loved ones, set a time and date to discuss your observations.

If the information here is helpful, we now have an E-Course available with more areas to explore.  www.managingeldercare.com 

We wish you a Wonderful Holiday Season.

Cindy Streekstra

and Carol McGowan

Family Caregivers are Truly an Invisible Workforce

Most people do not think of becoming family caregivers, but most of us will become apart of some type of family caregiving situation in the future. Rosalyn Carter states "There are four kinds of people in the world - those who have been caregivers, those who currently are caregivers, those who will become caregivers, and those who will need caregivers..." (permission from LeAnn Thieman, chicken soup For The Caregivers Soul).

Over 54 million Americans help care for elderly family members or friends. Millions more selflessly assist people in various services in the community. While often rewarding, this caregiving requires tremendous emotional, physical, and spiritual strength. It also can take up enormous amounts of time and resources. The average family caregiver provides 18 hours of care per week; 20% provide "constant care" or 40 hours a week. Family caregivers account for an estimated $257 billion annually in services, if they were paid.

Nearly one out of every four United States household (23%) is involved in caregiving to persons aged 50 and over. (National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP, 1997)

In 85% of caregiving cases, all home care is provided by family members and friends. (General Accounting Office, 1994)

More than one quarter (26%) of the adult population has provided care for a chronically ill, disabled or aged family member or friend during the past year. Based on current census data that translates into more than 590 million people (National Family Caregivers Association (NFCA) Random sample Survey of 10000 adults by CareThere.com, Summer, 2000)

It is our goal at the Caregiver Cottage, to bring this awareness to families who have not yet, for the most part begun to take on the "work" of family caregiving. As we become aware that we will probably be in some type of family caregiving situation, we can begin to ask some important questions of ourselves and our families.

• What is our cultural history, has our family taken care of previous elderly family members.
• What is our current situation, with what number of available persons to share in the caregiving process.
• What are the financial considerations that need to be explored. Could the family compensate the primary caregiver?
• How do we want to be taken care of if we become frail when elderly. The questions are endless, and specific to each family's saturation.

The time to discuss this issue is now, before we encounter our family caregiving situation. Now is the time to make this issue "visible" and plan for the work and compensation that will be needed.

The Caregiver Cottage is Now Fully Open for Business

We're back after a years absence from posting entries. During the past year we have been on a journey of bringing the Caregiver Cottage to you.

It has been a busy year filled with educating ourselves about the Internet and building an Internet presence. 

The goal is for the Caregiver Cottage to be a virtual place where caregivers can pause to gain information, support, guidance and peace of mind during their caregiving journey. We collected your stories and input on the survey, and have included your concerns and issues into our resource materials. We have set up a variety of pages on the Internet for your journey;

1. A gift for you, is a Web page where you can sign up to receive tips regarding 7 Critical Mistakes Families Make When Planning for Elder Care. The topics and information for these 7 areas was gathered during our 30 years of working with families and guiding them through their challenges. The 7 tips then provide you with a solution to explore and some actions to take to avoid these mistakes. http://www.guidingfamilycaregiving.com
2. A Web page that offers you a complimentary coaching session. During  this session we can get to know each other, explore where you are in the caregiving process and together look at what your coaching needs may be. http://www.coachingfamilycaregivers.com
3. A Website Home Base that presents our Coaching Program, tells about us, and offers resources. http://www.thecaregivercottage.com

The Caregiver Cottage is now fully functioning and offers coaching and resources for families who are providing care for elderly family members. We will guide you on the path of creating action steps that will help you navigate the many issues and needs that arise when caring for an elderly family member.

Where are You on the Caregiving Journey?

The caregiving experience can be so big that "it is hard to see the forest for the trees". It is easy to see each situation as it comes up, without looking out over the entire forest to create a path that will help us navigate the journey. Even if we have a plan for helping us on this journey, we may come upon a "speed bump" or an obstacle on the path that causes us to question what we should do next.

I recently spoke with a caregiver who was very comfortable providing the physical care for her husband because she had worked as a caregiver for most of her career. She had mapped out the path of caring for him at home and things were moving along as expected until a few months ago. Her husband started losing his appetite, was consequently not eating much and was losing a great deal of weight. She was trying very hard to make the foods he liked, and to get him to eat more. As we were talking she also told me that she had recently started experiencing "tingling" on one side of her face. During the course of this conversation she was able to recognize that the "tingling" happened when she was unable to get her husband to eat, when she felt the feelings of failure and helplessness. Once the emotional stress was recognized as an obstacle to her health and ultimately her ability to care for him, she could move on to develop ways to cope with this situation.

What do you need to be able to continue on the caregiving journey? What areas of caregiving are you dealing with currently?  Have you come upon any obstacles or speed bumps?  We have identified several areas of caregiving along the path and have listed them in a short survey.  We would like to hear from you, are you dealing with any of these areas now, or have in the past?  Are you dealing with an area that is not on the list, if so, please list it under "other".  If you have stories that relate to the areas of caregiving you have identified, please feel free to share your stories with us by using the comments section. 

Thanks ahead of time for your input in the survey and for sharing your story.

Click here to take survey

I am a Caregiver

I don't often think of myself as a caregiver.  I'm a wife, a mother, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a niece, and a friend.  I have a 92 year old uncle who lives alone in Texas.  He has a few friends, but no family in the area.  My parents and my husband's parents are aging and all the their 80's.  My father-in-law has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease.  I have a friend who is close to the end of her life and has elected no further treatments to extend her life.  I give time and energy to all these wonderful people in my life.  I do it from my heart and most of the time willingly.  At what point in my caring for my family and friends do I become a caregiver?  Do I think differently about myself when I define myself as a caregiver in addition to daughter, niece, friend? 

As I've pondered these questions,  I've defined myself as a caregiver.  I've picked up tasks and responsibilities that these individuals can no longer do.  I also see myself differently as a caregiver.  I can give myself permission to say "no" if I can't fulfill all the needs and requests of these individuals in my life.  I'm more comfortable setting bounderies for myself, realizing that I have only so much time and energy.  I am also working through the guilt of not being able to do "all for everyone".  I also have a husband and two adult children that need my time and energy.  I also have myself who I need to care for.  If I don't care for myself, I will have nothing left for my family and friends.

There are no easy answers to caregiving.  What I have found helpful is to start with myself.  I 'm defining my values and beliefs about caregiving.  I'm asking myself many questions about my values and beliefs, trying to get to the core of me.  When I know who Iam and what I believe in and what I need, then I can reach out in confidence to others. 

   

Welcome to The Caregiver Cottage

AMERICA IS AGING. Many of us are or will be caring for spouses, aging parents and significant others. This is often uncharted territory. No one has taught us how to be caregivers. We invite you to join us at The Caregiver Cottage as you journey through the caregiving experience.  We want to walk with you and hear where you are in your journey by dialoging, coaching, and providing information and resources.

We invite you to share your caregiving experiences with us through your comments.  Stay tuned for two caregiving questions on our next posting.